About Fear

So far, my emotions are ranging from feeling totally ecstatic, totally confident, about my decision to total panic about the enormity of what I'm about to do. Don't get me wrong- there is no chance whatsoever that I decide not to take the opportunity. Even in my moments of greatest fear, I feel completely sure that this is what I'm supposed to do. But that doesn't mean I'm not laying awake nights already with these terrifying thoughts running through my head.

"What if I'm not good at this?"

"What if they hate me?"

"What if I can't handle the pressure?"

"What if I can't make friends?"

"What if I hate my new town?"

"What if I fail? What if my students fail?"

"What if I get burnt out? What if I discover teaching isn't for me?"

And worst of all:

"What if I'm not cut from the right brand of duct tape to teach in a high-poverty, low-success school?"

Part of me then goes on to freak out about the fact that I'm even asking these questions. Surely it's a bad sign if I'm already thinking these thoughts and summer training hasn't even started?

I just remind myself that it is probably good that I understand the challenges on some level, and understand that this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm glad that I can recognize my weaknesses and feelings of being under-prepared so that I can work to strengthen myself before the first day of class in the fall.

Yesterday evening, I got to talk with my staff contact about some of my apprehensiveness. Ms. Deborah was so helpful in answering my questions, and making me feel welcome in the corp and in Mississippi. She sounded so excited to have me in her region that I couldn't help but feel excited, too.

I think part of my feelings stem from making this move into totally uncharted territory where I won't have the ready support of my fiance, my parents, or my friends. A large part also stems from the fact that Mississippi is probably the worst state for education in the country. Reading the statistics made me realize that I truly am being placed on the frontlines of this fight for education inequity.

Only 61 percent of Mississippi's high school students graduate on time, and up to thirty percent are dropping out in high school before reaching graduation. That's ten points behind the national average. Mississippi is ranked 50th on six of the ten national indicators for child well-being. The Department of Justice has identified Mississippi public schools as a schools-to-prison pipeline. This is what we're up against.

Reading these statistics have made me pretty defensive of my placement, and it's only been a few days. Yes, I know Mississippi is considered a crappy place to live by the rest of the country. Yes, I know I'm moving to a place that is stereotyped as a bastion of racism and poverty. Yes, I know it might not be fun, thanks. If I wanted to have fun, I'd do something easy.

Ultimately, I can stay excited about my placement and about the fact that I am actually going to move to Mississippi (Lord help me) because my kids need me, and I think teachers need to practice what they preach. If I really want to go to war for my students, and do battle for their success on a daily basis, I am in the right place. I am slowly re-framing what was initially a not-so-pleasant surprise into the blessing that I know in my heart it is. I am so proud to begin serving Mississippi's students, and even though I have some fears, I'm ready to shove them aside and get to work.

-Love, Linds